My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
That’s no pocket rocket.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.