I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Running from your problems is cardio .
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.