PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed