They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
britain’s three elite institutions
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours