Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
You Might Also Like
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
2023 was just a warmup
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
✌️
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.