Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
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Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.