Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
The Weeknd is back
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My favorite female superhero
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.