Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
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North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.