I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”