Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
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google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready