You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
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3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine