Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
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All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
why no one uses midhusbands
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot