My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.