hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
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Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world