A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
What my back needs
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Cannot stop laughing at this
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.