looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
2 years later
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…