dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
grotesque if literal: baby food
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
i think both sides are to blame here
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs