me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
LOOOOOOL
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
*exercises sarcastically*
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery