[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
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Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.