*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.