6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
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Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?