The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
You Might Also Like
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
wtf management?!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early