APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
not seeing the problem
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming