Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
You Might Also Like
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Stop being racist to kettles.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.