I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”