You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
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Jogging has never helped my memory.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”