You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
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witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?