my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
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I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
🙂🙃🥹
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo