*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m aging like a fine banana
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel