Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Self-cleaning conscience