me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
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do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful