No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
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Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.