happy mother’s day❤️
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Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.