I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
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Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.