Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…