Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.