Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.