[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Message from the dog groomers
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent