[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
You Might Also Like
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
No laws when master is gone
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan