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Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.