Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.