I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
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Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Current mood: Potato
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*has no idea what a book even is*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
the rocks need my help
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”