Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
🤣dope
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Guy who likes music
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.