A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.