him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
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Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
The news is so predictable nowadays
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
bury ourselves
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.