HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
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I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
This pepper has seen some shit
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that