my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
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If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
scared to check what name she chose
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
*pronounces carrot like tarot*