Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
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I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.