Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
You Might Also Like
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
😂😂
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.