Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
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Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Raisins are grape jerky.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time